What do we say to teens and young men who want to date? How do we lay it out that we do not perpetuate the cycle of destructive masculinity?
It’s shocking to see how men are interacting on dating sites, and unfortunately not so shocking. It seems that men have the innate ability to be overtly aggressive and obscene on any platform and venue. Female friends have given me a look into the horrifying world of online dating, as they get blasted with text after text of quasi-literate messages, that are often filled with sexual content, typos, and random abbreviations.
What is the conversation and how does it start? The conversation starts with talking about basic human integrity.
Dating does not equal sex.
Dating does not equal instant relationship.
Dating should not come with specific expectations.
This is the crux of destructive masculinity and the perpetuation of rape culture. “Because you said you would date me, I can do and say whatever I want”, is the underlying understanding of saying yes to dating a man.
Saying yes to a date does not sign over all personal rights to the man, and it should not be an unwritten contract that now, the woman is his property. This, unfortunately, is the more common belief among men. This has been relegated to: You said yes and by saying yes to a date, you’re saying yes to everything I want. As if this is written in small print at the end of the verbal dating contract. To question this is to question years of unsaid, unwritten male-dominated rules that saturate interactions both casual and romantic.
The truly horrific truth to this is that you don’t even have to agree to a date with a man for him to feel this entitlement; you only have to cast a look in his direction that could be taken out of context to have that man believe you’re inherently his. You do not need to look far to see what this belief does to others, how it oppresses and destroys. This is not “toxic”, which denotes the ability to be detoxified. It is actually destructive as this way of thinking leads directly to the destruction of others.
As we talked about in the first post on boys and dating, we know that dating now coincides more with apps. The days of meeting a potential date at the grocery store, event, or even bar, have been lost to swipes to the left or right. This is our current reality.
Have the conversation about dating on social media:
Dating does not equal sex.
Dating does not equal instant relationship.
Dating should not come with specific expectations.
