Masculinity is woven into the fabric of male existence. Specifically, in American culture, violence is an everyday expectation of being a “man”. Its commonplace to see and hear boys being taught to fight for what they think is right, fight for those that they think are weak. This all too many times translates into fighting for females, standing up for them in a chivalrous way that allows for the smashing of faces without question as its viewed as a moral good.
If we look at the core of this teaching, we can see that rearing boys in such a manner really only perpetuates the idea that violence is the one true problem solver.
The Protector
It’s very common to hear boys being told they need to stick up for someone that cannot stick up for themselves. It’s a challenge to find a boy being taught to do so without physical violence as the intervention.
There is usually no mention of standing up for someone by opening up a dialogue or asking to problem solve with conversations.
The very idea of suggesting this has the potential of alienating a thoughtful young man among their peer group.
And this is the crux of the problem: this is not only unexpected, its unheard of. Rather, the idea is to answer violence with violence. Retribution and revenge is often times looked at as a moral and ethical good, if it’s done protecting others.
It’s a Spotlight
Of course, there are very real scenarios that could potentially illicit violence being the answer. And this should never be the first choice. Standing up and telling another person you’re going to hurt someone who hurt them exacerbates the issue.
It puts the spotlight back on the toughness of the protector and continues the cycle of violence begetting violence. Where does the boy draw the line in using violence if it becomes the moral or ethical good?
How does he make the distinction over a “right and good” violence? With a brain that is not fully developed, we are putting boys into the position of making these decisions and telling them whether the violence was justified or not.
Replace the Idea
If the Destructive Masculinity cycle is to be broken, then we need to replace the idea of violence as the answer for violence.
We need to replace it with dialogue, with the understanding that boys are capable of problem-solving issues without using their fists.
We must understand that young humans can rise to the occasion with non-violent acts in efforts to solve violent ones.
Give boys the opportunity to talk things through and be true leaders and not conquerors.
